When Curiosity becomes Achievement

Yesterday, I was talking with my mom about what I was like as a baby, she described me as “advanced”. I haven’t really ever considered myself in this light but she recounted how at just six months old I would look around and take everything in and how I walked before I was 9 months old, she reflected on this with admiration. But as she talked about this of course my IFS framework came into play and starting wondering…was I advanced or was I just curious? I wanted to take it all in, I wanted to be a part of things and I didn’t want to miss out on anything.

So today I’m sitting with these questions:

At what point does that kind of natural curiosity become striving or achieving?

At what point does an open, curious child begin to believe that being quick, capable, accomplished, or “ahead” is part of who they need to be?

Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing inherently wrong with praising children for being smart, mature or responsible. They need that to feel seen and understood. But/And sometimes, without anyone intending for it to happen, we can begin to connect who we are with what we can do.

I'm good when I'm capable.

I'm valuable when I'm succeeding.

I'm lovable when I'm impressive.

And curiosity, the simple desire to explore, learn, experience, and participate can slowly become something else.

It can become the need to know.

The need to anticipate.

The need to get it right.

The need to stay ahead.

The need to accomplish.

The need to make sure we aren't missing anything.

In Internal Family Systems work, I think about this as the difference between our Self and the parts of us that have learned to work very hard.

There may be a part that genuinely loves learning and exploring and there may also be a part that learned that being capable was a way to feel secure, worthy, or seen. Those two things can look remarkably similar from the outside.

But internally, they feel very different.

One says:

“I wonder what I'll discover.”

The other says:

“I need to figure this out.”

One is open while the other is bracing.

One is participating in life and the other is trying to keep up with it.

Healing isn't about getting rid of the achiever, it’s more about about getting curious about the part that learned it had to achieve in the first place by asking questions like, what or who are you trying to protect? What did it believe would happen if it slowed down?

And underneath all of that striving, is there still that little curious child who simply wants to look around and take everything in?

She never actually went anywhere, she just needs you to see her and help her to know she gets to experience life, not as something she has to master, but as something she gets to be part of.